I'm happy. Yep thats right I'M HAPPY! so many times i have felt like i must have done something wrong in life, that i must be a bad person to get dealt the cards i did but now, suddenly for some untold reason everythings flip reverse right backup on to its feet and life is pretty special and pretty good. I have met the most fantastic person who makes me very happy - we still have a long road to take but its one we will be taking together every sinle step of the way. I have a job, uni is going well, i am getting good grades.... everthing in my life that makes my lfie what it is right now is good. I'm on a pedestal and no onecan knock me off it

What is about me that makes it ok for people to pick me and put me down as they please, use me for their own amusement, be my friend when they want something, why is it ok for them to treat me like shit and not think anything of it? Why is it ok for them to push me away and then expect me to be there the moment they come running back? Why do i let them walk all over me? why do i let them use me and abuse me, why do i let them back into my life over and over again? Why am i always the one apologising but rarely the one in the wrong? why do i let them treat me how they want, and end up being the one who suffers? Why do they not give me a second thought? Why can someone not stay in my life for more than ten minutes before getting bored and leaving me? Why can they not see the pain they cause and why is it ok for them to cause it? I'll tell you why. Because i am so scared of being alone, that i'd rather keep hanging on for them to come back because right now it gives me a reason to go on. It gives me some sort of warped purpose. I let them treat me however they want because at least whilst they are treating me like shit they are noticing me. They know i exist. i'm scared of being alive but not existing. i know its because im not the funniest, im not the prettiest, im not the smartest or most talented, i know i'm probably a bore to be around most of the time, i know i drag people down without intending to. I know im hard work at times and high maintenance. i know i need constantly reassuring, i know im the problem but i just don't know how to change that.

Still alive but im barely breathing,
cut myself to know im bleeding,
keep me alive till i find my eden
can't feel anything,
constantly searching,
lookng for a way out,
i can't keep living a life of doubt
take the knife and take the tears
take the blood and all my fears
take the hurt and take the pain
take my thoughts, keep me sane.

feeling...

when will i feel normal again? when will i feel anything again. I'm numb, and i'm scared, and i'm alone...show me the way to go home?

i guess my posts up until now have all been pretty depressing so i thought i'd write a more positive one.... i am finally on the meds i need to make me better. its a long, uphill journey but i'm told the view from the top is amazing...one day i believe i will see this...

i have been unwell, in a physical and mental sense of the word and then i have lived in fear of this. Everything has been a battle, each day just rolling into the next, no sense of time, no sense of direction. Slowly but surely this will return, i know it will, all i have to do is have a little patience with myself...which is easier said than done. when everyone is so harsh to you, so hard on you you think thats the only way your able to function..if your criticised, if your put down, if your made to feel like you have to prove you not the nothingness they believe you are.

I've had two trips to hospital recently, not fun but he's stuck by me throughout it and for that i will always be grateful..he could have run and hid but he didn't.

i see now the power of people and the difference they can make, so many people have got me through these last few weeks when it would have been so easy to give up and just close the door and disappear. but i didnt..and now im gonna dig deep and find the fight from somewhere....i have to keep going.

it's happening...exactly what i didn't want to... i'm losing you to him...i thought you were gonna be the one who stuck by me, the one who helped me out, the one who gave me the strength to carry on...now i wonder if you care...so go on leave me. leave me like the others. leave me all alone. but just so you know...without you i have no reason to go on. you've kept me alive up until now.... guess this is the end of you and me...

.

You were meant to be the one to stick by me through all of this and now even you're going to abandon me... you told me it was all worth it, that i should stick at it, that i should carry on, that there was a point to all this shit.. you were the point.. now you're leaving me too.... why do things have to change? why? you've completly messed my brain and now im wondering if i should stick around anymore...

i never stopped loving you...

You will always be the one i love, the one i want, the one i need, the one i long for. You will always be the one that gives me a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to go on, a reason to be me, a reason to live. You will always be the one i adore, the one that makes me go weak at the knees, the one that makes my heartrace, the one that makes me want to tell everyone about you...
You will always be the one that broke my heart, the one that made me cry, the one that made me question what its all about, the one that made me wonder if its all worth it. You will always be the one that makes me doubt my strength to go on, the one that makes me look twice before i leave the house, the one that makes me hate myself....
You will always be the one i will never stop loving, never stop hating, never stop needing, never stop wanting, never forget.

I may not be...

I may not be the perfect person, i may not tick every box, i may not fill every criteria, i may not be your idea of perfection or even anywhere near but i am the person i am and i will not change that for you. I will not like things i dont, i will not do things i dont want to, or go where i dont want to. i have my flaws, but i accept them and know i have them, i try to keep them in a little box, deep inside hidden away so that you don't see them; its not my fault sometimes they just come out. But you know you have your flaws too, if only you were brave enough to look at yourself from the outside, and to accept and recognise those flaws...
I may not be the perfect person, i dont claim to be, i dont even try to be... i just try to be me. I'm sorry if thats not what you wanted.

scared....

I'm running scared...and i should be running into your arms, but i can't. Because youre not there. We're over. and that hurts.

My Best Friend

I'm not sure if you still read these, or if you even remember that it exsists but your my best friend and i just wanna make sure you know i love you...x

A new beginning...

i wasn't bought up to be particularly religous, went to church on those special occasions..you know the ones everyone gets dragged to..Weddings, death, births, christmas, easter, the one in october that no-one ever knows about but everyone seems to go to... yea well all of them. I used to believe in god, i used to worship him, i used to think that everything i had ever heard or read about Jesus was true... Then things happened. I lost people, i saw suffering, i saw destruction, i felt pain and loneliness, i felt suffering, i felt loss and i lost my belief. Well i thought i lost them... In fact what i did was bury them, bury them deep, unaware that you can kill the truth, put it in a grave and walk away but you can never stop it rising again.
Sunday 21st March 2010.. the day my beliefs were resurected. I went into a church, dubious and slightly scared if the truth be told to watch my friend get baptised. Throughout the service i started to feel things again, i started to feel loved and like i belonged. I had found christianity again. Now im not saying that im 100% born again christian, thats never going to happen and truth be told its probably far too late for that anyway but i have found something to give my life guidance, somewhere to turn and someone to love.
This is possibly the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. :)

Just remembering...

Today i'm feeling rather melancholy thinking about the people i have loved and lost.... Just really wanna say i remember you guys, all of you... i will never ever forget.

The letter i'll never send...

Dear ........................,
I let you into my life because for a short while i had myself convinced that i needed you in it, I had myself believe that you were the little bit that i had always felt was missing, you were the one person i truly believed i could show myself to. I never wanted to want you, i couldnt help it, you see back then, in my eyes you were amazing, everything i wanted to be, everything i wanted, the one person i wanted to be able to tell people about and have them feel just that little bit of jealousy. You came into my life because i let you, if i knew what i knew now i would have walked away and pretended like you never exsisted. If i had known at the time i met you that you were going to hurt me like this, without you even realising you are doing it, if i had known at the time that you are so far from what you appear to be i would have agreed with the others when they told me you were a dickhead and we quite obvioulsy going to mess my life up. If i knew that you were going to turn into the selfish, self-centered, self-orientated, arrogant little greased up weasel you are i would have laughed in your face and pissed on your shoes. But sadly, No, I didn't know all this then. I thought you were the best thing since sliced bread... and lets be honest theres nothing amazing about sliced bread so with hindsight you arent actually anything special. You like to think you are, oh yes you do, you like to think that you are gods gift, you like to think that anything i can do you can do better, you like to think that its your way or no way. You like to think you are a jack of all trades when lets be honest you are master of sweet F.A. I realise now that there is no place for you in my life, and by writing this letter i feel so much better even if i do appear to be a bitch. Well guess what you never really knew me either...
I hope that you have a happy life, its all you have going for you. You have the looks and personality of a frying pan, and even thats a little harsh on the frying pan. Carry on attempting to impress people, one day, just the once, you might do it but then i can garauntee your lazy arse and dont give a damn attitude will come back to bite your arse in true karma fashion and you will fall flat on your face... That will be the day i truly know getting out of this now is the best thing i will have ever done and i will laugh heartily and out loud. In your face.
By the way, its not true love, it never will be and while we are on the subject i totally dont accept it and never will.
Thanks for messing with my head, its what i really let you in my life to do... Not.

I believed every word you said, thought you really meant it, thought that when you said things wouldn't have to change that you were telling the truth, that everything could go on as it had before... but i can see quite clearly now you were lying. maybe you didnt mean it, maybe you dont even realise but slowly but surely youre slipping through my fingers, im losing you.... I guess its not that that i cant deal with, its not the fact that your not the person you once were, its not even the fact that im losing you to someone you dont even truly know.. i think its the fact that you could lie, i think its the fact that youre hurting me whilst you do it, the fact that i didnt expect it because once upon a time i believed every word you said.. i ask myself now why i feel in love with you, i ask myself why i settled with second best, to call myself youre 'friend' Funny isnt how, now i look back, you never called me that back... you never needed me like i needed you, you never wanted me like i wanted you, you never even really seemed to realise i exsist... yet then again i think isnt funny how its taken me so long to realise, and though i see its all true, we pretty much were living i lie, i miss you and its killing me to lose you bit by bit... if youre going to go, id rather you just went. ok so it might make things arkward but im sure we can work round that by... say never being in the same room again, never talking, i'll take down all your pictures, erase every message, delete your number, block you out and pretend you were never in my life.. maybe then, maybe just maybe i might move on with my life instead of spending every second hurting..

"Don't you forget about me, Don't you forget about me, don't you forget all our dreams... "

Are you always going to be there? Are you? Do you really mean it, until we are old and grey? Until the sun stops shining and the moon has simply disappeared into the night and the stars have shined that last little twinkle? Are you always going to be there? Are you?

You always said you would be, you always said forever, you always said best friends forever so why am i doubting it now...?

Fight or Flight...

Do i fight for you because you're worth it, do i fight for you because i want you, because i need you, because i'm scared to let you go.. or do i run away.. do i run away and hide from my true feelings, that i'll always love you, that i'll never get over you, that i'll never ever want to be without you ?? On one hand you are my everything, my absolute everything, you are the one that makes me world go round... on the other hand i love you too much, and now that i might be losing you it hurts a lot... You are my world, more than world, yet only you have the power to destroy it, to break it down, to leave me on the floor, screaming, shouting, begging you to never leave me alone....

x x x x x x x x x

This isn't Hollywood, it's just a small town...

Say you're sorry

That face of an angel comes out

Just when you need it to

As I pace back and forth all this time

'Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on,

The days drag onStupid girl

I should have known,

I should have known

That I'm not a princess

This ain't a fairytale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood,

This is a small

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now its too late for you and your White Horse,

To come around.

Baby I was naíve,

Got lost in your eyes

I never really had a chance

,I had so many dreams

about you and me.

Happy endings

Now I know

I'm not a princess

This ain't a fairytale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood,

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now its too late for you and your White Horse,

To come around.

And there you are on your knees

Begging for forgiveness,

Begging for me

Just like I always wanted,

But I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess

This ain't our fairytale

I'm gonna find someone, someday

Who might actually treat me well.

This is a big world,

That was a small town

There in my rear view mirror,

Disappearing now.

And it's too late for you and your White Horse

Now its too late for you and your White Horse

To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh

Try and catch me now

OhIt's too late

To catch me now.

my promise to you

I could be your favorite blue jeans

With the holes in the knees

In the bottom of the top drawer

I could be your little beauty queen

Just a little outta reach

Or the girl living next door

I'll be your angel giving up her wings

If that's what you need

I'd give everything to be your anything

This is my promise to you. I will always love you, need you and stand by you. Whatever happens, wherever our paths take us, however many hurdles we have to overcome, i will always be yours. You mean more than the world to me...

Forever and beyond...

XX

The plan....

So everythings set for the future, well the next three years at least... Maybe a little too set. I got offered two places at two uni's. The first allowed me to combine two of my greatest loves, Drama Performance and Stage Management. Nobody thought that one was a good idea. The uni's reputation wasn't as good as it could be, the course wouldn't get me the career i want or at least i think i want and the location was, well less than ideal, 35 minuets from home...Too close for a fresh start so they say... im not sure i agree... The second offered one of the highest accreditted courses in the country at one of the most desirable uni's in the country. It would allow and aid me get the job i want and be the best start for the future. 2.3O hours from home, far enough to start again, to re-establish myself yet close enough to know i'm not too far away, plus it gave the chance to spend another 3 years with Tom, who means more than the world to me...Everybody seemed to like this one...
However, the first meant i was in my comfort zone, the place i work best. It meant i could be there for those near to me when i need to be, when times require it, it meant i could achieve things yet not feel like i've missed out on so much. The second has ripped me out of everything i know, turned it all on its head, thrown it around and put it back upside down.
Hmm guess which one i took? The second,,, Like a fool im starting to believe... Change scares me, really scares me. Its always been that way...It will always be that way. Change in my world is unecessary. Yet something else that has always been in my life is the desire to please, the desire to do what others want and follow to the word what they say. So with all these people telling me whats best for me, i had to listen.. i had to do it, i had to choose the second one.. Doesn't matter about me, its just my three years.. Don't get me wrong, im not blamiing anyone but myself. Me and my rubbishness and my crapness and my inabililty to do anything for myself especially thinking.
I'm scared of what the future holds, im scared of the changes about to happen in my life, im scared of being alone, im scared of leaving so many behing, im scared of... Im scared of it all.. yet theres no way out...

''Drink up and Dance on love, thats all there is to do''