Still alive but im barely breathing,
cut myself to know im bleeding,
keep me alive till i find my eden
can't feel anything,
constantly searching,
lookng for a way out,
i can't keep living a life of doubt
take the knife and take the tears
take the blood and all my fears
take the hurt and take the pain
take my thoughts, keep me sane.

feeling...

when will i feel normal again? when will i feel anything again. I'm numb, and i'm scared, and i'm alone...show me the way to go home?

i guess my posts up until now have all been pretty depressing so i thought i'd write a more positive one.... i am finally on the meds i need to make me better. its a long, uphill journey but i'm told the view from the top is amazing...one day i believe i will see this...

i have been unwell, in a physical and mental sense of the word and then i have lived in fear of this. Everything has been a battle, each day just rolling into the next, no sense of time, no sense of direction. Slowly but surely this will return, i know it will, all i have to do is have a little patience with myself...which is easier said than done. when everyone is so harsh to you, so hard on you you think thats the only way your able to function..if your criticised, if your put down, if your made to feel like you have to prove you not the nothingness they believe you are.

I've had two trips to hospital recently, not fun but he's stuck by me throughout it and for that i will always be grateful..he could have run and hid but he didn't.

i see now the power of people and the difference they can make, so many people have got me through these last few weeks when it would have been so easy to give up and just close the door and disappear. but i didnt..and now im gonna dig deep and find the fight from somewhere....i have to keep going.

it's happening...exactly what i didn't want to... i'm losing you to him...i thought you were gonna be the one who stuck by me, the one who helped me out, the one who gave me the strength to carry on...now i wonder if you care...so go on leave me. leave me like the others. leave me all alone. but just so you know...without you i have no reason to go on. you've kept me alive up until now.... guess this is the end of you and me...

.

You were meant to be the one to stick by me through all of this and now even you're going to abandon me... you told me it was all worth it, that i should stick at it, that i should carry on, that there was a point to all this shit.. you were the point.. now you're leaving me too.... why do things have to change? why? you've completly messed my brain and now im wondering if i should stick around anymore...

i never stopped loving you...

You will always be the one i love, the one i want, the one i need, the one i long for. You will always be the one that gives me a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to go on, a reason to be me, a reason to live. You will always be the one i adore, the one that makes me go weak at the knees, the one that makes my heartrace, the one that makes me want to tell everyone about you...
You will always be the one that broke my heart, the one that made me cry, the one that made me question what its all about, the one that made me wonder if its all worth it. You will always be the one that makes me doubt my strength to go on, the one that makes me look twice before i leave the house, the one that makes me hate myself....
You will always be the one i will never stop loving, never stop hating, never stop needing, never stop wanting, never forget.

I may not be...

I may not be the perfect person, i may not tick every box, i may not fill every criteria, i may not be your idea of perfection or even anywhere near but i am the person i am and i will not change that for you. I will not like things i dont, i will not do things i dont want to, or go where i dont want to. i have my flaws, but i accept them and know i have them, i try to keep them in a little box, deep inside hidden away so that you don't see them; its not my fault sometimes they just come out. But you know you have your flaws too, if only you were brave enough to look at yourself from the outside, and to accept and recognise those flaws...
I may not be the perfect person, i dont claim to be, i dont even try to be... i just try to be me. I'm sorry if thats not what you wanted.

scared....

I'm running scared...and i should be running into your arms, but i can't. Because youre not there. We're over. and that hurts.

My Best Friend

I'm not sure if you still read these, or if you even remember that it exsists but your my best friend and i just wanna make sure you know i love you...x

A new beginning...

i wasn't bought up to be particularly religous, went to church on those special occasions..you know the ones everyone gets dragged to..Weddings, death, births, christmas, easter, the one in october that no-one ever knows about but everyone seems to go to... yea well all of them. I used to believe in god, i used to worship him, i used to think that everything i had ever heard or read about Jesus was true... Then things happened. I lost people, i saw suffering, i saw destruction, i felt pain and loneliness, i felt suffering, i felt loss and i lost my belief. Well i thought i lost them... In fact what i did was bury them, bury them deep, unaware that you can kill the truth, put it in a grave and walk away but you can never stop it rising again.
Sunday 21st March 2010.. the day my beliefs were resurected. I went into a church, dubious and slightly scared if the truth be told to watch my friend get baptised. Throughout the service i started to feel things again, i started to feel loved and like i belonged. I had found christianity again. Now im not saying that im 100% born again christian, thats never going to happen and truth be told its probably far too late for that anyway but i have found something to give my life guidance, somewhere to turn and someone to love.
This is possibly the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. :)

Just remembering...

Today i'm feeling rather melancholy thinking about the people i have loved and lost.... Just really wanna say i remember you guys, all of you... i will never ever forget.