confessions-of-the-youth-outcast

What is about me that makes it ok for people to pick me and put me down as they please, use me for their own amusement, be my friend when they want something, why is it ok for them to treat me like shit and not think anything of it? Why is it ok for them to push me away and then expect me to be there the moment they come running back? Why do i let them walk all over me? why do i let them use me and abuse me, why do i let them back into my life over and over again? Why am i always the one apologising but rarely the one in the wrong? why do i let them treat me how they want, and end up being the one who suffers? Why do they not give me a second thought? Why can someone not stay in my life for more than ten minutes before getting bored and leaving me? Why can they not see the pain they cause and why is it ok for them to cause it? I'll tell you why. Because i am so scared of being alone, that i'd rather keep hanging on for them to come back because right now it gives me a reason to go on. It gives me some sort of warped purpose. I let them treat me however they want because at least whilst they are treating me like shit they are noticing me. They know i exist. i'm scared of being alive but not existing. i know its because im not the funniest, im not the prettiest, im not the smartest or most talented, i know i'm probably a bore to be around most of the time, i know i drag people down without intending to. I know im hard work at times and high maintenance. i know i need constantly reassuring, i know im the problem but i just don't know how to change that.