It hurts to breath without right now...so many bloody questions that will never be answered...R.I.P x

I have so many thoughts going through my head that i just don't understand... i wish i could because right now their just confusing me and messing me up even more...

I hope i never lose you...i love you XX

I guess my blogging up to this point has been pretty crappy, just litte bits here and there so i thought i'd write a proper blog... a proper blog on how i'm feeling and whats going through my head, if i can understand it that is... And whats more i make no apology for not holdin back...
I feel right now that i don' t mean anything to anybody...anybody at all... I think at one point i used to, maybe, just the once i meant something to at least one person...but its quite clear that actually i don't. I feel so insignifcant in everything...
Everyday is a battle to get out of bed, to get in the shower and to go and face the world. Given the chance i'd hide away... I'm told i have to do, i'm told i'll never be anything if i don't but where i am right now all that means nothing to me...
Where's all the fun gone in life? I miss it... i really do miss it... i miss being able to wake up in the morning and just smile simply for the fact that i'm alive... I miss being able to laugh just because it makes me feel good....
Where's all the memories gone? There still there, just hidden amongst a thousand other thoughts. A thousand other thoughts i don't understand...
Emotions... Emotions don't seem to mean a thing...they've all rolled into one... and lets be honest they all suck right now...
..Sorry...

And everything just seems so messed up and i just feel so alone... and i can't work anything out..maybe i'll just give up on it all...

Take me back to the days of make believe when every moment made a memory and there was a smile on my face...please?

me?

Sometimes we're not able to show who we really are, sometimes we have to hide things about ourselves so that we are exactly who others want us to be, sometimes we aren't able to show what really makes us us through the fear that who we truly are won't be good enough for those we love...
Sometimes i wish i could tell you exactly who i am, sometimes i wish i could really be me and know you still love me, sometimes i wish i could be the same person around you as i am when i'm on my own... But then again like someone else said..Wishings a bad habit....

Everyday i seem to wear a mask, a different mask to be the person you want me to be, i wear a mask to hide who i truly am, i wear a mask to hide from you when i'm hurting and when i'm sad, i wear i mask to hide from you the fact that i'm scared...and feeling totally alone, i wear a mask because it's the only way i feel like i exsist in your world, my world, the world...

One day i'd love to think i'll take of the mask and i'll show you who i am, who i am inside, what makes me who i am... sadly i fear the day i do that is the day you realise i'm not quite what you think and i'll be alone again..so for now i'll keep wearing the mask and hope you learn to love me whatever....

to those i love and miss...

''Coz it's a motherfucker being here without you....''

I miss you...all of you X

sometimes i just wonder why things have to change...

And i just wonder...do i mean anything to you anymore? ... I guess i can only hope i do...

Heather...one year

Heather, my beautiful friend... i can't believe it'll be a year since i
last got to see you, a year since i got to hear your voice...i miss you so much,
i can't even put into words just how much it hurts every single day. I think of
you, i think of the times we shared, the good and the bad, i think of the laughs
we shared and the smiles... i think of the deep and long conversations, i think
of every moment i realised i was grateful to have you as my friend cause there
were times when i don't think you even realised how much strength you gave me...
and you know i try to be strong, for you, i try, but i just can't sometimes... i
cry for you, i cry because i miss you, i cry because you're not here to dry my
tears anymore and 'turn that frown upside down!'... I remember the day i found
out you were ill, my world started to fall apart, but i told i'd be there for
you, i'd stick by you, i'd be there to hold your hand every time you needed it
and i meant it, every single word i meant it..i hope i didn't let you down....
The day you died everything feel apart. I felt a void in my life i've never felt
before, even the most simplest of things seemed to remind me of you... I miss
you... i've written you a poem... remember that i love you, i'll never ever
forget you..Xxx Heather Marie Nester 19-01-08 Heaven gained an angel....

Everything can change
In less than a day,
If
someone you love
Is taken away.

Everything it seems
Starts to
fall apart,
Routine, normality,
Even your heart.

There’s
nothing left behind
But an empty gap,
A big black void
Where they
should be sat.

What was once done by two
Is now by one,
And
what made you giggle
Isn’t any fun.

Everything can change
In less than a day,
If someone you love
Is taken
away.

The places you said
You’d always go,
Are now nothing
more than
‘we should go there, you know.’

And all the
things
You said you would do,
Get forgotten,
Only suitable for
two.

What once may have been
Tears of laughter,
Are now tears
of pain
At this disaster.

Everything can change
In less than
a day,
If someone you love is taken away.

And when you
once
Sung the song
On the radio,
Now all you do is hum
along.

Though even that hurts
Far too much,
And all you long
for
Is a friends touch.

Everything can change
In less than a
day,
If someone you love
Is taken away.

Until we meet again..X

X

I know it makes me weak, i know it makes me a fool, i know they'll all laugh and tell me i'll never learn my lesson but i'm not saying its for definite, i'm just saying let's try...i still love you...and thats something i can't throw away... so lets look to the future, cross our fingers and pray it works out, coz the moment i'm not with you i don't feel complete...I'm not going to play pretend and act like i'm not hurting, i'm not gonna deny how angry i felt, and how a little bit of this anger is still there...i'm just gonna say i love you, i hope you love me too... Don't play me like the fool i think i might just be... X

Every little thing...

Every little thing that makes me who i am is everything you have destroyed, at one time it was everything that you had fallen in love with. Every quirk, every thought, every stupid little routine that i do that you learned to accept, every word i write, every song i sing badly, every bad dance that i do that embarrases you when we're together, every little wish i make and every little dream i see work or become shattered; these are all the things that make me. So i guess its no surprise to hear that its damn well broke me to know that everything you loved about me is everything that you hated about me... i know you say its not my fault, its not me its you, nothing i could of done... maybe it would be easier to accept if it was...i still love you, one day i hope i can forgive you

even the best things must come to an end...

You were the very best thing that happened to me, you were the first thing i thought of in the morning, you were the last thing i thought of at night, you were my love, my life and my everything. You were the only one i wanted, you were the only one i wanted to be with, the only one i trusted with my heart, the only one i wanted to spend every damn moment with. You were the one that dried my tears when i cried, the one that held me when i felt so alone, the one that made me feel alive...But then again you are the one thats caused these tears, the one that pushed me away because you don't understand your own thoughts, you are the one thats hurt me so much, you are the one that i never think i'll get over, you are the one that i wanted and i still want, the one i'll always want. I loved you and i still love you, i'll always love you..maybe one day i'll forgive you and we can try again... X

the future

Everybodies banging on about the future and if the truth be told it scares me... i don't know where i'm going...i know where i'd like to go, i know where i want to head and what i want to acheive but somethings holding me back..and i know that its me and my fear of failing or not doing good enough, afraid of letting people down...But i guess theres nothing i can do about it...the futures the future for the reason, i just need to think about the here and now..

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it... somedays though i still question it...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sometimes you just need to scream to realise whats actually going on...

only the foolish believe in love... guess im foolish....X

I am just as good as you...please don't forget it..

Since i can remember there has always been somebody in and out of my life, wether it be a friend whose moved on, a realtive whose passed, a mum who can't decide what she wants either way or just those people that change and move on or simly fall out of your life, often without a second thought. Some of these people i don't ever get to know, some of them i know better than i know myself, some of them just simply exsist at the moment, no past, no real idea of the future, carrying on each day without a second thought for tomorow. And it makes me think...
Every single one of these people add something, a little something or something so huge its uncomprehendible, to my life. They make me smile, they give me a memory, they just make my day or they hurt me, they make me cry then walk away before they see the pain but no matter what they do they make a difference to my life. So i wonder..do i make a difference to anyones life? Do old friends ever stop and think what we had or what we could of had...do they move on and ever think about picking up the phone, just to call and say hi? Do i even make a difference to the lifes of those that i see every day, that are me at this present moment..do i add anything to their lives, any thing worthwhile? Do i make people smile?Do i make people cry? Do i hurt people and don't even realise? Do i make promises and then break them again, leaving that gap? I hope i do make a difference, a good difference...even if its something as little as a smile...but then again hoping, like wishing, is a bad habit...because chances are at the point you least expect it your whole world might just come crashing down and all those hopes are a strange painful sort of reality... when you realise all along you were nothing...

'' I see people come and go from all walks of life.

They all leave a bookmark in the story that i write...''

Lost....

So lost among my thoughts that i can't see any way out...so lost amongst the mess they describe as my life i don't know where i'm heading...So lost in you i don't know who i am...So lost in the future i don't know whats happening in the present...So lost in fear of failing i can't see when i succeed...

J.a.b <3

''I have faltered I have stumbled

I have found my feet again

I've been angry I've been shaken

Found a new place to begin

My persistence to make a difference

Has led me safe into your hands''

- Delta Goodrem

So many times in the past i have been broken by those i thought i loved. I have been hurt and left, crying, confused and lost, all alone working out whats been going on.. but when i met you i knew instantly it would be different...I love you... i don't care who knows... i love you more than i can ever explain... never forget that, never question it, never ever doubt it.. it's true xxx

good enough...

I'll never be good enough no matter how hard i try... I guess i should be used to it by now, used to being second best...I try and i try to make you happy, to do my best, to show you that i'm just as good..but its still not good enough for you...One day maybe i will be...

faces

''All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places,

Worn out faces

Bright and early for the daily races

Going nowhere, Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, No expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, No tomorrow''

-Mad World

I see these faces everyday of my life. I see them at college, i see them at work, i see them on the people i pass by on the streets. I feel for them..i really do.. a worn out face that represents a worn out life, going nowhere, going nowhere, no dreams to follow, no stars to reach for. Tears are filling up their glasses..glasses that cover eyes that see so much pain, so much hurt, so much suffering...Tears that tell a thousand stories, each representing just one more chapter in the life of the head hiding away, showing no sorrow..Sorrow for those gone, sorrow for those still here, sorrow for those stuck between their dreams and reality. I don't want to be one of these faces but every day i carry on not feeling good enough, i am so close to doing so...

I feel love,

i give love,

i know love,

i have love,

i am loving,

i am loved...

X

slowdance

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round

Or listened to the rainslapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erraticflight

Or gazed at the sun into the fadingnight?

You better slow down

Don't dance so fast

Time is short

The music won't last

Do you run through each day on thefly

When you ask "How are you?"

do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast

Time is short

The music won't last

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow

And in your haste,

not see hissorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

'Cause you never had time

to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast

Time is short

The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through yourday

,It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away...

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before he song is over.

For Josh X

Lest we never forget

''Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore''

''i know i can't be everything you want me to be,

i'm not even going to try...

and still you love me...

that's what makes 'us' special...''

i'll never be as pretty as the others, never be as skinny, never be as clever, never be able to buy you expensive gifts, never be as much fun or laugh at the same things as everyone else, in fact i'll probably laugh at it six days later when i finally understand it... but what i can do is give you memories that will never fade, smiles that will last forever and love more true than you'll ever have felt before...

This is love.. <3

-

Nothings ever easy...aparently it makes it more worth it.. I'm not sure i agree..

i have..

Recently there has been alot going on in my head, a lot of things that i don't understand. I have questions that i will never ask because i'm scared to hear the answer though i need to. I have thoughts that will remain just that. I have dreams that can be nothing more because i'm scared the reality will never be enough. I have tears i can't cry because i've already cried too many. I have a life that i just can't start living yet because i don't know how long it will last. I have friends that will never know my real feelings because i'm scared to lose what i have. I have a mother to whom i still have words to say and a father to whom i occasionally say too many. I have a relative who bit by bit is fading away, living in a world that only she understands, confused and destroyed by Alzheimers. I have a friend who is scared to become something she feels she already is, who struggles to keep control in the one way that shows its slowly slipping away. I have exams that i am not ready for and things i'd rather be doing. I have too many things going around my head to think of just one of them....

for you.. X

'' Please don't let this turn into something it's not,

I can only give you everything i've got,

I can't be as sorry as you think i should,

but i still love you more than anyone else could.

All that i keep thinking throughout this whole fight,

is that it could take my whole damn life to make this right''

- Snow Patrol

Because of you i smile,

because of you i laugh,

because of you i am......

X

i am..

Just like you i am two eyes that see, two ears that hear, two legs that walk, a mouth that speaks, a heart that loves. I am two eyes that can cry, i am a mouth that can lie, i am two ears that hear the shit you throw my way, a heart that can break. I am everything you are. I am no different...So every day i tell myself that and it makes me real again... X

.

I just want to say Thank you.. You make me exsist.. X

the power of words...

Tonight i was given quite posibly the best advice i've ever been given.. Never under estimate the power of words Kimberland.. *Strike a thought* Never under estimate the power of words.. the power of words i say, the power of words i hear, the power of words that aren't spoken? which words have this power i should never under estimate? I guess deep down i know it's all of them...though some are more powerful than others... So why don't people realise this? i heard three words tonight that until now, until being in the situation i'm in, i never realised how powerful they are... I love you... Heard them before, heard them many times before.. but it would see that they've been empty, meaningless..totally not worth the energy its taken to say them... But tonight it was different. I heard them and i felt them. I knew the power behind them, i knew the truth behind them, i knew that they made me smile, that they made warm inside, made me to hold you tight and never let you go.. i guess what i'm trying to say in some crazy long assed way is.. I love you too... i really do...from the bottom of my heart.. i love you more than i will ever be able to tell you, more than words will ever be able to show.. I love you and i always will xxx

Knowing me, Knowing you...

So this is the first blog that i've written on here. It's nothing special..it's just about me. Little old me.. Kimberley Jade Burrows. There are many things that make me who i am... Music, drama, performance, Words, Andover - as sad as it is, i call it home and i always will do; experiences and most of all-people.
Now as my name suggests, i don't really see myself like any of the others...like all the rest of the 18 years olds who have grown up on the crime dotted estate that i have. I don't find enjoyment from getting so drunk i throw it up or piss it against a wall, i don't wish to spend my time sat in a park making a twat of myself, nor do i wish at this point in my life or anytime in the near future to fill my body with god knows what just because my mates are doing it. Now don't get me wrong, i like to have a good time. I have a drink, sometimes i have too many but i know that the people i am sharing these drinks with, the people with whom i will laugh about it afterwards are true friends who mean so much to me..and who are probably doing exactly the same.
I wish to do so much with my life. i wish to prove everybody wrong that stereotypes can be broken, that there are no boundaries..or at least that there should be no boundaries.
2009 has just become and i think it could either be one of the best years i'm going to have or it could destroy me. I am in my second year at college and working no where near as hard as i should be. I have this great ability i discovered recently to make excuses, to put things off until tomorow or to jsut forget about everything completley. I'm dyslexic and have OCD. I also show signs of being aspergers and its no secret that my health hasnt been the best so when i'm feeling the pressure i just hide, run away, act like everythings fine even if i'm breaking down inside. I don't ask for help because i don't deserve it. If it's given i take it... sometimes. I used to feel ashamed of being who i am, but now thanks to some amazing friends i finally also havethis ability to slowly accept bit by bit the person i am turning into.
I think you should take every chance. Never say no to once in the lifetime chances..because seriously time is precious..so is life. And well yea i know its cliche but to be honest i can say it. I've been at the point that i nearly ceased to exsist. I was ill and spent alot of time in hospital being treated for severe organ failure and poisoning. 24 HOURS AWAY FROM DEATH... its scary.. really scary...
My family and friends mean a lot to me. I met Anna when i was 5 and we've been through alot together. We remain the best of friends and know that each other is there even though we're in seperate Colleges. We'll always be each others strength. NICOLE So the girls got a ladder fetish.. bring on the A-frames hmm thats sexy.. '' i only want him coz he's gay/a virgin!'' -- and for the both of you... It's peanut butter Jelly Time!! siobhan i write on the bottom of her shoes and she still likes me =) we sing in lessons and write crazy poems, mates for life.. kirsty pub time, coffee time, chat time.. you rock girl... sophie myspace hero.. you are actually my rock.. i know that i can turn to you no matter what.. Bev.. so yar, we met years ago at that crazy singy song institution otherwise known as brownies...and then we remet last year at college..and by jove do we have some laughs and some major caffine input.. lmao...
Tom - you're just a little bit special to me.. We have so many memories from such a short time together... we have our own song and we dance like idiots to Go vibrations, we sit in the pub drinking Coke and eating food that tastes like sex. We listen to dodgy music and we find innuendos in everything. We go to ASDA for breakfast and i make you bad tea in the teapot. We have roadtrips to anywhere and we comment on excessive parcan use way too much. We share LX tape and a strange love for all things techie. We have our shopping trips and our weird conversations.. But then we have those serious conversations, Those little heart to hearts, you know the ones i mean, and you make me see sense.. You make me make sense of all the little things in life that make me want to swear and you make me laugh at those things that i have no control over. I would trust you with my life..in fact i do trust you with my life...and heres to so many more.
There's absent friends as well.. Heather, steph, tim, josh...all of whom are missed every single day.. xxx
My family are pretty special to me as well. I live with my dad and have done since i was two and my mother decided she couldnt cope anymore or at least just didn't want to know anymore and walked away to be with the man she's now married. My dad means the world to me no matter how much i moan about him. My grandad is amazing. so wise and so clever..so loving and so giving. My gran passed away nearly 10 years ago and i miss her every day... but she taught me many things that will live on in me.. My brothers and sisters..well i don't even know what to say lol.
So well thats me..summed up in a blog... doesn't say much does it? I'm sure i'll rant about a few things in more depth..sorry about that...