My Best Friend

I'm not sure if you still read these, or if you even remember that it exsists but your my best friend and i just wanna make sure you know i love you...x

A new beginning...

i wasn't bought up to be particularly religous, went to church on those special occasions..you know the ones everyone gets dragged to..Weddings, death, births, christmas, easter, the one in october that no-one ever knows about but everyone seems to go to... yea well all of them. I used to believe in god, i used to worship him, i used to think that everything i had ever heard or read about Jesus was true... Then things happened. I lost people, i saw suffering, i saw destruction, i felt pain and loneliness, i felt suffering, i felt loss and i lost my belief. Well i thought i lost them... In fact what i did was bury them, bury them deep, unaware that you can kill the truth, put it in a grave and walk away but you can never stop it rising again.
Sunday 21st March 2010.. the day my beliefs were resurected. I went into a church, dubious and slightly scared if the truth be told to watch my friend get baptised. Throughout the service i started to feel things again, i started to feel loved and like i belonged. I had found christianity again. Now im not saying that im 100% born again christian, thats never going to happen and truth be told its probably far too late for that anyway but i have found something to give my life guidance, somewhere to turn and someone to love.
This is possibly the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. :)

Just remembering...

Today i'm feeling rather melancholy thinking about the people i have loved and lost.... Just really wanna say i remember you guys, all of you... i will never ever forget.

The letter i'll never send...

Dear ........................,
I let you into my life because for a short while i had myself convinced that i needed you in it, I had myself believe that you were the little bit that i had always felt was missing, you were the one person i truly believed i could show myself to. I never wanted to want you, i couldnt help it, you see back then, in my eyes you were amazing, everything i wanted to be, everything i wanted, the one person i wanted to be able to tell people about and have them feel just that little bit of jealousy. You came into my life because i let you, if i knew what i knew now i would have walked away and pretended like you never exsisted. If i had known at the time i met you that you were going to hurt me like this, without you even realising you are doing it, if i had known at the time that you are so far from what you appear to be i would have agreed with the others when they told me you were a dickhead and we quite obvioulsy going to mess my life up. If i knew that you were going to turn into the selfish, self-centered, self-orientated, arrogant little greased up weasel you are i would have laughed in your face and pissed on your shoes. But sadly, No, I didn't know all this then. I thought you were the best thing since sliced bread... and lets be honest theres nothing amazing about sliced bread so with hindsight you arent actually anything special. You like to think you are, oh yes you do, you like to think that you are gods gift, you like to think that anything i can do you can do better, you like to think that its your way or no way. You like to think you are a jack of all trades when lets be honest you are master of sweet F.A. I realise now that there is no place for you in my life, and by writing this letter i feel so much better even if i do appear to be a bitch. Well guess what you never really knew me either...
I hope that you have a happy life, its all you have going for you. You have the looks and personality of a frying pan, and even thats a little harsh on the frying pan. Carry on attempting to impress people, one day, just the once, you might do it but then i can garauntee your lazy arse and dont give a damn attitude will come back to bite your arse in true karma fashion and you will fall flat on your face... That will be the day i truly know getting out of this now is the best thing i will have ever done and i will laugh heartily and out loud. In your face.
By the way, its not true love, it never will be and while we are on the subject i totally dont accept it and never will.
Thanks for messing with my head, its what i really let you in my life to do... Not.

I believed every word you said, thought you really meant it, thought that when you said things wouldn't have to change that you were telling the truth, that everything could go on as it had before... but i can see quite clearly now you were lying. maybe you didnt mean it, maybe you dont even realise but slowly but surely youre slipping through my fingers, im losing you.... I guess its not that that i cant deal with, its not the fact that your not the person you once were, its not even the fact that im losing you to someone you dont even truly know.. i think its the fact that you could lie, i think its the fact that youre hurting me whilst you do it, the fact that i didnt expect it because once upon a time i believed every word you said.. i ask myself now why i feel in love with you, i ask myself why i settled with second best, to call myself youre 'friend' Funny isnt how, now i look back, you never called me that back... you never needed me like i needed you, you never wanted me like i wanted you, you never even really seemed to realise i exsist... yet then again i think isnt funny how its taken me so long to realise, and though i see its all true, we pretty much were living i lie, i miss you and its killing me to lose you bit by bit... if youre going to go, id rather you just went. ok so it might make things arkward but im sure we can work round that by... say never being in the same room again, never talking, i'll take down all your pictures, erase every message, delete your number, block you out and pretend you were never in my life.. maybe then, maybe just maybe i might move on with my life instead of spending every second hurting..

"Don't you forget about me, Don't you forget about me, don't you forget all our dreams... "

Are you always going to be there? Are you? Do you really mean it, until we are old and grey? Until the sun stops shining and the moon has simply disappeared into the night and the stars have shined that last little twinkle? Are you always going to be there? Are you?

You always said you would be, you always said forever, you always said best friends forever so why am i doubting it now...?

Fight or Flight...

Do i fight for you because you're worth it, do i fight for you because i want you, because i need you, because i'm scared to let you go.. or do i run away.. do i run away and hide from my true feelings, that i'll always love you, that i'll never get over you, that i'll never ever want to be without you ?? On one hand you are my everything, my absolute everything, you are the one that makes me world go round... on the other hand i love you too much, and now that i might be losing you it hurts a lot... You are my world, more than world, yet only you have the power to destroy it, to break it down, to leave me on the floor, screaming, shouting, begging you to never leave me alone....

x x x x x x x x x