I'm happy. Yep thats right I'M HAPPY! so many times i have felt like i must have done something wrong in life, that i must be a bad person to get dealt the cards i did but now, suddenly for some untold reason everythings flip reverse right backup on to its feet and life is pretty special and pretty good. I have met the most fantastic person who makes me very happy - we still have a long road to take but its one we will be taking together every sinle step of the way. I have a job, uni is going well, i am getting good grades.... everthing in my life that makes my lfie what it is right now is good. I'm on a pedestal and no onecan knock me off it

What is about me that makes it ok for people to pick me and put me down as they please, use me for their own amusement, be my friend when they want something, why is it ok for them to treat me like shit and not think anything of it? Why is it ok for them to push me away and then expect me to be there the moment they come running back? Why do i let them walk all over me? why do i let them use me and abuse me, why do i let them back into my life over and over again? Why am i always the one apologising but rarely the one in the wrong? why do i let them treat me how they want, and end up being the one who suffers? Why do they not give me a second thought? Why can someone not stay in my life for more than ten minutes before getting bored and leaving me? Why can they not see the pain they cause and why is it ok for them to cause it? I'll tell you why. Because i am so scared of being alone, that i'd rather keep hanging on for them to come back because right now it gives me a reason to go on. It gives me some sort of warped purpose. I let them treat me however they want because at least whilst they are treating me like shit they are noticing me. They know i exist. i'm scared of being alive but not existing. i know its because im not the funniest, im not the prettiest, im not the smartest or most talented, i know i'm probably a bore to be around most of the time, i know i drag people down without intending to. I know im hard work at times and high maintenance. i know i need constantly reassuring, i know im the problem but i just don't know how to change that.

Still alive but im barely breathing,
cut myself to know im bleeding,
keep me alive till i find my eden
can't feel anything,
constantly searching,
lookng for a way out,
i can't keep living a life of doubt
take the knife and take the tears
take the blood and all my fears
take the hurt and take the pain
take my thoughts, keep me sane.

feeling...

when will i feel normal again? when will i feel anything again. I'm numb, and i'm scared, and i'm alone...show me the way to go home?

i guess my posts up until now have all been pretty depressing so i thought i'd write a more positive one.... i am finally on the meds i need to make me better. its a long, uphill journey but i'm told the view from the top is amazing...one day i believe i will see this...

i have been unwell, in a physical and mental sense of the word and then i have lived in fear of this. Everything has been a battle, each day just rolling into the next, no sense of time, no sense of direction. Slowly but surely this will return, i know it will, all i have to do is have a little patience with myself...which is easier said than done. when everyone is so harsh to you, so hard on you you think thats the only way your able to function..if your criticised, if your put down, if your made to feel like you have to prove you not the nothingness they believe you are.

I've had two trips to hospital recently, not fun but he's stuck by me throughout it and for that i will always be grateful..he could have run and hid but he didn't.

i see now the power of people and the difference they can make, so many people have got me through these last few weeks when it would have been so easy to give up and just close the door and disappear. but i didnt..and now im gonna dig deep and find the fight from somewhere....i have to keep going.

it's happening...exactly what i didn't want to... i'm losing you to him...i thought you were gonna be the one who stuck by me, the one who helped me out, the one who gave me the strength to carry on...now i wonder if you care...so go on leave me. leave me like the others. leave me all alone. but just so you know...without you i have no reason to go on. you've kept me alive up until now.... guess this is the end of you and me...

.

You were meant to be the one to stick by me through all of this and now even you're going to abandon me... you told me it was all worth it, that i should stick at it, that i should carry on, that there was a point to all this shit.. you were the point.. now you're leaving me too.... why do things have to change? why? you've completly messed my brain and now im wondering if i should stick around anymore...